Hurray for Cynicism!

Can it be said that people are made for each other? That one can complete another? To my experience, no. True love is a farce. You can love your family and friends but once you try for a relationship, for a marriage, it all seems to go to shit. It becomes an endless series of compromises and regrets until neither one feels like they can be themselves anymore. Maybe it's that they eventually don't even know who that is. Some of these relationships last because neither wants to go through the effort of completely uprooting their lives for the sake of finding a new happiness. Perhaps I'm strange because I have no interest in finding a romantic relationship now, in the near future, or ever really. I just don't see the point in it. Everyone is worried about finding "sparks" between them and another, but what they fail to acknowledge is that sparks turn into fires and all fires eventually burn out.


  

Cassadee Freakin' Pope

I have nothing important or thought provoking to say unfortunately.
Cassadee Pope has just won The Voice and I can honestly say I am so overjoyed. She is one of the few women in society that I look up to and I have been a fan of hers since Hey Monday was first starting out. I've followed her and supported her and now she's going to be a huge star because everyone is realizing how amazingly talented she is. It's fantastic that her dreams are coming true. She deserves every moment of it.

The little things that no one knows...

We see what we want, create our own realities. We accept what we like and ignore what we don't. Even if the signs are pretty clear. All of this is due to our constant need for "perfection". We aren't happy with something/someone damaged, broken. So either we ignore the problems at hand or try to fix them. Unfortunately, ignorance is forever our go-to for instant bliss.

Dear Mom

It's funny how you're so quick to judge others when essentially you're exactly the same way. The consequences for your actions and theirs are identical. Granted, they be manifested in different ways. But the effects that both of you have had on your children bear no difference. You just don't see what you've done, what you're doing. You never have because you refuse to accept any culpability. I love you to pieces, but sometimes your blind and unquestioning ignorance is laughable. If you could read my mind and heart, you'd be ashamed. If you only knew what goes on behind the closed doors of our household...

Stay Away From My Friends

"And you don't know what it's like
To wake up in the middle of the night,
Scaring the thought of kissing razors.
This blood evacuation is telling me to cave in.
Stay away...."

Absolutely obsessed with this song lately. Selfish Machines by Pierce The Veil is one of the best albums I've heard in a while. That is all.

Feelin' Good

For some reason, today I'm feeling better than I have in weeks (maybe months). Maybe it's because the leaves have changed and are falling all over the place. Or maybe it's because the weather is finally going to change and be cold. Or maybe it's because I'm excited for this concert I'm going to next week with my friends and family. Or, still yet, maybe it's just because the holiday season is just around the corner now. Whatever the reason, I'm happy. And thankful for all the great things I have in my life. I am going to college to eventually become a Psychologist. I have a job at a place I absolutely love with amazing people. I have my family, who can be tough, but support me through everything. And my friends who, despite some petty disagreements, are always there for me when I need them. I'd say I have it pretty good. No complaints from camp Megan today (thank goodness).

Music

For a second,
Time stops.
There is nothing else,
Only this moment,
This place inside my head.
This song,
This life,
This me.
All combining into one
Jumble of tranquility.
The world goes dark
As I shut my eyes,
Trying to escape forever
Into this sea of
Melodies and guitar riffs.
They move me this way and that,
Pushing me forward on my journey.
But just as soon as it's begun,
It ends.
Ejecting me
From this world
I so desperately
Want to belong to.
I'm merely living on moments.
Look.
Here comes another.
Play.

Old Poem Deux

Just a little background info on this poem, I wrote this a couple months before graduation senior year in the thoughts of my impending college years. This poem still seems to be true now that I'm almost half done with my Bachelors and starting on my major/minor classes. It's crazy to think that in two years from now, I'll be graduating again. I still have a bit of time before that, but when I was starting to try and pick classes for my next semester I was reminded of this poem. So I thought I'd share it. (:

It's Coming
I see each day flying past.
It's a blur and before I know it,
It'll all be gone.
The future is quickly approaching
And I'm not sure that I'm ready.
No one ever warned me
It would go this fast.
I feel like I'm losing my grip on reality.
I'm too set on snatching all my yesterdays,
Retrieving memories from the long lost past.
It's safer there, knowing what's to come.
But yesterdays can't keep my tomorrows from coming.
Whether we like it or not,
We all have to face our fates.
The future is coming.
We can't stop it, control it, or even delay it.
The good thing is, it's never too late.
Life is continuous and ever-changing.
But if you wait forever,
It might just pass you by.
I'm finally ready to grab onto Life
Because no matter what the future holds,
It's got to be better
Than just dwelling in the past.

Old Friend

Well crap. I tried to reach out to the people I thought I could talk to about this but they all seem to be asleep. Fantastic. So, I'll post another emotional blog (sorry, I swear the next one will be positive).

I ran into an old friend at a Halloween party tonight. We made eye contact once or twice and the look I received would freeze fire. What sucks is that I look at him and I still want him to be a part of my life. I want my best friend back, the one who can make any situation look bright, who can make me laugh or smile on demand and just simply make me happy. Unfortunately, in the past few years this person has been practically absent from my life. Yeah he showed up every now and then when he needed me or when it was convenient for him, but our friendship that was once so strong had practically died. He doesn't see it this way. He sees it as though I've cut him off out of nowhere and for no reason. And I don't have to balls to go and try to talk to him about it for fear of being rejected (though I did spill my heart about it once to him....). I honestly don't know what to do. I can't stand being a "back-burner" friend again but seeing him tonight made me remember all the fun times we've had and all the things he's done for me. I'm feeling the heaviest amount of guilt. I know I played a huge part in our falling out, which I've never gotten to apologize for. You see, for years he was the best friend I could have asked for during a time when I sure as hell didn't deserve. I still care for the guy as if he were family because of all we've been through together and what he's done for me. But he doesn't see that the old him and who he is now are two completely different people. And this new version isn't someone I really want to have be my "friend" if you can even call him that with the way he acts.
All I know is that I am truly sorry, from the bottom of my heart, for all the shitty things I've done to him in the past. I appreciate every moment he stood by me when I didn't deserve it and everything he's done for me. I love and miss him more than he'll probably ever know. And there's no way for me to get him back. I lost my best friend years ago, but it's just now hitting me that I'll never have him in my life again.

.

I can't help but feel that lately I've been stuck. It seems that everyone around me is changing, growing, moving on and they're just leaving me behind in the dust. What's worse is that not only am I not changing, I'm regressing. Improvements that I thought I had made are quickly dissolving and leaving me feeling defeated, like everything I've done in the past few years has meant nothing. I'm so tired of feeling like I'm holding everyone back. I don't want to lose them but can't stand the idea that I might be hindering them. I'm just a burden they're stuck with, the good ole ball and chain they can't get rid of. And I can't seem to make myself anything other than that.
There's so much more to this train of thought but I really can't put it into coherent words at the moment. I haven't really been able to express how I've been feeling in any other way but here. Hopefully I'll turn around soon so there'll be less "doom and gloom" to read. No one wants that around anyway. And I realize that most of this is probably just in my head, but I can't be imagining all of it right?

Singleton

It sucks majorly being the only single one in my group of friends. It's only just started and already I can see that I'm never going to be able to hang out with them. They're all going to go on dates together and be all couple-like and I'm going to be left at home, alone. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them and definitely don't want a relationship of my own. The idea absolutely terrifies me and I have been avoiding it like the plague, doing everything in my power to defend myself from it (I've been very successful I might add haha). I guess the reason it frightens me is that I'm so afraid to open myself up for rejection and vulnerability like that. I'd rather keep people at arms length than have them learn about me and dislike me. Regardless, I think I'm going to be getting a lot of reading and knitting done now that I'll be sort of forced out of plans.

Conflicted

There's one thing that I just haven't been able to get off my mind this past couple of days. I've avoided writing about it, afraid I'd give up my biggest, ugliest secret to whoever is out there reading. But I figure I can try and vent without giving anything away. So here it goes.
I'd be lying if I said everything was as happy or static as I try to put off on the surface. I'm continuing to battle demons that I thought had long since left me. I'm realizing now that they never will. I will most likely have to fight them for the rest of my days. Unfortunately, I let these demons beat me in one of our infamous battles the other day. This angers me to no end. It feels like every time I make some progress and things are starting to heal, everything just reverts back to the way it was and I have to start clean all over again. And it's not like I can just go and ask someone for help. My type of insanity is frowned upon by most everyone. What makes asking for help even more offputting is feeling that I'm admitting defeat, that I can't control it, that I'm weak. I can't stand the thought of that. So I'll continue silently battling it out with my demons and hopefully, one day I'll have them locked up so that all they can do is just rattle their cages at me.

Politics

I realize that everyone and their mother is sharing their political opinions from one side or the other today, so I might as well hop on the bandwagon. I choose neither side. Our bipartisan system is broken. Candidates no longer work to help the nation, only themselves and their respective parties. The idea that our government is "of the people, by the people, and for the people" is a complete joke. Selfishness, greed, and lust for power has ruined our republic. I choose to be anti-political because our politics are a dirty game that I refuse to be a part of. The candidates don't matter because no one could make a significant change. Our political system, our entire nation needs to change. Not just the figurehead/scapegoat of the United States of America. I vote nobody because nobody is working for me, for my interests, for my people. Our government is broken and I don't want to support it in any way.

Stupid, stupid, stupid

Nostalgia is such a fickle thing. It only exists to make us feel either better or worse about the past, more or less optimistic for the future. Unfortunately, mine usually makes me feel worse. It's nice knowing now that you didn't care about me at all. I don't know why I let myself believe that you did. Maybe I just wanted to be close to someone. Or maybe I foolishly thought someone could have actually liked me for me. Stupid. I wish someone had told me that life isn't a romantic comedy. Things don't work out like that in real life.

Selfishness

Is it so bad that I do good deeds to feel.... well, good? I mean, don't get me wrong. That's not the only reason I do it. I think that it's necessary to give back to the community somehow, lift those around you up, and just do something for someone else in general. I just so happen to do so by allowing people to stick a needle in my arm and take my bodily fluids. But I realized during my last donation that there's a very selfish reason behind it as well. I donate at least once month to remind myself that I, in fact, am not a horrible human being. Despite what some might believe, I need this reassurance quite frequently. And instead of coming off as horribly insecure and whiny to those around me, I go out and get this reassurance for myself. I realize that good deeds are supposed to be done solely out of the goodness of your heart, but is it really so bad that I have a tiny selfish need to do them as well?

Old poem

Loneliness lingers since I can't feel you on my finger tips.
Your smile used to brighten my days,
Now it's a reminder of what's no longer mine.
Please just let this die
Because you don't know how many tears I've cried
For you
And now I realize you weren't even worth it.
Save your pity.
I didn't need it then
And I don't need it now.
So kindly leave me alone and vow
To never mention my name again.
You don't get to talk about me
Like you know me
Because you don't.
I promise I'll do the same for you.

Do you know...

Do you know what it's like to feel that no matter what you do, the thing you want most is what always eludes you?

Consider This Goodbye

I can't say all the words that I'm thinking.
I can't express all the things that I'm feeling.
All I can say is that I want
Nothing
To do with you.
You are so selfish it makes me sick.
How can you expect me
To wait around for you
When you can't do the same for me?
It shouldn't come as a surprise to you,
Considering we've been drifting apart
For quite some time.
And please don't try to win me back.
It's not going to happen.
I've realized that even though
I don't think I'm worth much,
I know damn well I deserve better
Than you.
Everyone does.
I hope the people around you realize this
Before they're in too deep
Like I was.
Like I am.
The worst part of this is
I know this hurts me
So much more
Than you.