Old Friend

Well crap. I tried to reach out to the people I thought I could talk to about this but they all seem to be asleep. Fantastic. So, I'll post another emotional blog (sorry, I swear the next one will be positive).

I ran into an old friend at a Halloween party tonight. We made eye contact once or twice and the look I received would freeze fire. What sucks is that I look at him and I still want him to be a part of my life. I want my best friend back, the one who can make any situation look bright, who can make me laugh or smile on demand and just simply make me happy. Unfortunately, in the past few years this person has been practically absent from my life. Yeah he showed up every now and then when he needed me or when it was convenient for him, but our friendship that was once so strong had practically died. He doesn't see it this way. He sees it as though I've cut him off out of nowhere and for no reason. And I don't have to balls to go and try to talk to him about it for fear of being rejected (though I did spill my heart about it once to him....). I honestly don't know what to do. I can't stand being a "back-burner" friend again but seeing him tonight made me remember all the fun times we've had and all the things he's done for me. I'm feeling the heaviest amount of guilt. I know I played a huge part in our falling out, which I've never gotten to apologize for. You see, for years he was the best friend I could have asked for during a time when I sure as hell didn't deserve. I still care for the guy as if he were family because of all we've been through together and what he's done for me. But he doesn't see that the old him and who he is now are two completely different people. And this new version isn't someone I really want to have be my "friend" if you can even call him that with the way he acts.
All I know is that I am truly sorry, from the bottom of my heart, for all the shitty things I've done to him in the past. I appreciate every moment he stood by me when I didn't deserve it and everything he's done for me. I love and miss him more than he'll probably ever know. And there's no way for me to get him back. I lost my best friend years ago, but it's just now hitting me that I'll never have him in my life again.