Old Friend

Well crap. I tried to reach out to the people I thought I could talk to about this but they all seem to be asleep. Fantastic. So, I'll post another emotional blog (sorry, I swear the next one will be positive).

I ran into an old friend at a Halloween party tonight. We made eye contact once or twice and the look I received would freeze fire. What sucks is that I look at him and I still want him to be a part of my life. I want my best friend back, the one who can make any situation look bright, who can make me laugh or smile on demand and just simply make me happy. Unfortunately, in the past few years this person has been practically absent from my life. Yeah he showed up every now and then when he needed me or when it was convenient for him, but our friendship that was once so strong had practically died. He doesn't see it this way. He sees it as though I've cut him off out of nowhere and for no reason. And I don't have to balls to go and try to talk to him about it for fear of being rejected (though I did spill my heart about it once to him....). I honestly don't know what to do. I can't stand being a "back-burner" friend again but seeing him tonight made me remember all the fun times we've had and all the things he's done for me. I'm feeling the heaviest amount of guilt. I know I played a huge part in our falling out, which I've never gotten to apologize for. You see, for years he was the best friend I could have asked for during a time when I sure as hell didn't deserve. I still care for the guy as if he were family because of all we've been through together and what he's done for me. But he doesn't see that the old him and who he is now are two completely different people. And this new version isn't someone I really want to have be my "friend" if you can even call him that with the way he acts.
All I know is that I am truly sorry, from the bottom of my heart, for all the shitty things I've done to him in the past. I appreciate every moment he stood by me when I didn't deserve it and everything he's done for me. I love and miss him more than he'll probably ever know. And there's no way for me to get him back. I lost my best friend years ago, but it's just now hitting me that I'll never have him in my life again.

.

I can't help but feel that lately I've been stuck. It seems that everyone around me is changing, growing, moving on and they're just leaving me behind in the dust. What's worse is that not only am I not changing, I'm regressing. Improvements that I thought I had made are quickly dissolving and leaving me feeling defeated, like everything I've done in the past few years has meant nothing. I'm so tired of feeling like I'm holding everyone back. I don't want to lose them but can't stand the idea that I might be hindering them. I'm just a burden they're stuck with, the good ole ball and chain they can't get rid of. And I can't seem to make myself anything other than that.
There's so much more to this train of thought but I really can't put it into coherent words at the moment. I haven't really been able to express how I've been feeling in any other way but here. Hopefully I'll turn around soon so there'll be less "doom and gloom" to read. No one wants that around anyway. And I realize that most of this is probably just in my head, but I can't be imagining all of it right?

Singleton

It sucks majorly being the only single one in my group of friends. It's only just started and already I can see that I'm never going to be able to hang out with them. They're all going to go on dates together and be all couple-like and I'm going to be left at home, alone. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them and definitely don't want a relationship of my own. The idea absolutely terrifies me and I have been avoiding it like the plague, doing everything in my power to defend myself from it (I've been very successful I might add haha). I guess the reason it frightens me is that I'm so afraid to open myself up for rejection and vulnerability like that. I'd rather keep people at arms length than have them learn about me and dislike me. Regardless, I think I'm going to be getting a lot of reading and knitting done now that I'll be sort of forced out of plans.

Conflicted

There's one thing that I just haven't been able to get off my mind this past couple of days. I've avoided writing about it, afraid I'd give up my biggest, ugliest secret to whoever is out there reading. But I figure I can try and vent without giving anything away. So here it goes.
I'd be lying if I said everything was as happy or static as I try to put off on the surface. I'm continuing to battle demons that I thought had long since left me. I'm realizing now that they never will. I will most likely have to fight them for the rest of my days. Unfortunately, I let these demons beat me in one of our infamous battles the other day. This angers me to no end. It feels like every time I make some progress and things are starting to heal, everything just reverts back to the way it was and I have to start clean all over again. And it's not like I can just go and ask someone for help. My type of insanity is frowned upon by most everyone. What makes asking for help even more offputting is feeling that I'm admitting defeat, that I can't control it, that I'm weak. I can't stand the thought of that. So I'll continue silently battling it out with my demons and hopefully, one day I'll have them locked up so that all they can do is just rattle their cages at me.

Politics

I realize that everyone and their mother is sharing their political opinions from one side or the other today, so I might as well hop on the bandwagon. I choose neither side. Our bipartisan system is broken. Candidates no longer work to help the nation, only themselves and their respective parties. The idea that our government is "of the people, by the people, and for the people" is a complete joke. Selfishness, greed, and lust for power has ruined our republic. I choose to be anti-political because our politics are a dirty game that I refuse to be a part of. The candidates don't matter because no one could make a significant change. Our political system, our entire nation needs to change. Not just the figurehead/scapegoat of the United States of America. I vote nobody because nobody is working for me, for my interests, for my people. Our government is broken and I don't want to support it in any way.

Stupid, stupid, stupid

Nostalgia is such a fickle thing. It only exists to make us feel either better or worse about the past, more or less optimistic for the future. Unfortunately, mine usually makes me feel worse. It's nice knowing now that you didn't care about me at all. I don't know why I let myself believe that you did. Maybe I just wanted to be close to someone. Or maybe I foolishly thought someone could have actually liked me for me. Stupid. I wish someone had told me that life isn't a romantic comedy. Things don't work out like that in real life.

Selfishness

Is it so bad that I do good deeds to feel.... well, good? I mean, don't get me wrong. That's not the only reason I do it. I think that it's necessary to give back to the community somehow, lift those around you up, and just do something for someone else in general. I just so happen to do so by allowing people to stick a needle in my arm and take my bodily fluids. But I realized during my last donation that there's a very selfish reason behind it as well. I donate at least once month to remind myself that I, in fact, am not a horrible human being. Despite what some might believe, I need this reassurance quite frequently. And instead of coming off as horribly insecure and whiny to those around me, I go out and get this reassurance for myself. I realize that good deeds are supposed to be done solely out of the goodness of your heart, but is it really so bad that I have a tiny selfish need to do them as well?