Rant

One isn't the loneliest number.
Loneliness grows exponentially
at the rate of people around.
I feel most lonely in a crowded room,
when I'm face to face
with the distance I've created
from those around me.
Acknowledged but never mentioned,
seen but never spoken.
If my pain is silent,
can you still see it?
Or does it continue within me,
unbeknownst to any bystanders
any witnesses
for the impending implosion?
We're all waves,
making our way through the sea,
waiting to be all we can be,
for our one moment to reach shore,
then retreating again into anonymity,
into obscurity,
into meaninglessness.
We can never mean anything
to anyone
if we mean nothing
to ourselves.
I need wings to fly
but mine seem to be clipped,
or maybe I was made without them equipped.
A grounded bird among the doves,
a copper coin among the gold.
Catch me, since you can.
Toss me, if you want.

"My moral compass is spinning next to the magnet that is all of my desire."

Just for the record, the last couple of posts (including this one) have kind of just come out of nowhere. That's how it works. I'll have a dry spell for what seems like forever, then just this sudden burst of ideas. So I run with them. These aren't based on my experiences, or even experiences of people I know necessarily. A line comes to mind and then I just flesh it out.

my thoughts may be hazy,
my eyes may be heavy,
and i may not remember this tomorrow,
but my desire is clear and true.
don't tell me i'm crazy.
don't tell me maybe.
don't act like you're not thinking the same.
i'm in no mood for second guessing.
impulsive decisions are my specialty.
this is do or die,
pass or fail,
the point of no return.
so for tonight
and tonight only,
will you please be mine?

-----

My heart beats with those who still believe,
with those who never stopped.
We're manning this ship
whether we make our journey home
or sink before we make it.
You'll never take this from me,
from us.
It's an unseeable change,
an untouchable truth.
We are not like you.
We're the kids who'll never stop fighting,
who'll never let you kick us while we're down
(we have to do everything ourselves).
We may not seem the strongest
but we'd love to prove you wrong.
You are the anchor around our necks,
dragging us to the bottom.
But with this weight,
we'll still learn to fly.
Just you wait and see.
When you look at the night sky,
think of us drowning in your sea.
To me, the views look the same.

L.O.V.E.

My blood keeps pounding in my head,
it's begging me to just forget
That tonight ever happened,
That our first night ever happened.
I'm wishing it all could go away
Like footprints on the beach
Leaving with the tide,
Like the way the light
has slowly faded from your eyes.
We both said things that we regret
But we're far too gone to take them back.
I'd love to leave this all behind,
but you just won't get out of my mind.
I'm sure you're already moving on,
over me and on to another.
You've been planning
for our fated demise
for quite some time.
You were never good at dedication.
What more could I expect
from the one who broke me
before we even started?
And that was just your "calm"
before you stormed out,
once again reminding me
that love was never meant to last.
Love is forever temporary.
And temporarily, we were forever in love.

I really, really, really don't like you.

You've never been nor will you ever be my father. No matter how many times you try to be nice to me, no matter how many gifts you buy me, no matter what you say or do now, I will never consider you my parent. You were the one who ignored me through my childhood. You were the one who refused to do anything with me or even speak to me. You were the one who treated me like I wasn't your child. Now you want me to treat you like my parent? No, it doesn't work like that. In my eyes, I have only one true parent. She's the only one who's always been there for me, even if we haven't gotten along the entire time. Out of the four parental figures I have had thrust upon me, how is it that only one of them actually acts like it? I love the other two, regardless of what I think of them as parents. But you, you useless arrogant prick, I'll never love you. You're just the guy that happened to marry my mom. That doesn't make you my father. That doesn't make you my parent, or even my caregiver. That just makes you an obligatory roommate.  So the next time you wonder why I treat you the way I do, think about how you treated me while I was growing up. That'll answer your question.