JB

I guess when it comes to you I'll always be such a sucker.
I'd rather believe your lies than see the truth.
I see you for what you can be, not what you are.
If you could see what you are now, you'd be ashamed.
You're a mess. No way around it.
I just want you to be better for you.
We can't be "back to normal"
When you so obviously aren't.
I can't be friends with someone who doesn't want to be better.
I refuse to stand by and watch you ruin your life.
I refuse to be taken advantage of or lied to.
Just leave me alone.
Forget I helped you in your time of need.
Forget I ever told you I still care.
Forget me entirely.

Moody

To live is to simply kill time, to wait for something real to happen.
I have an insatiable urge to wreck every good thing I see. But you wouldn't know what that's like, would you? Getting intoxicated by self-destruction?

Have you ever fantasized about crashing your car? Running it off a bridge?
Yeah, me neither.

La lluvia

So I had to write a poem in my Spanish class today. An ode, specifically. Anyway, it's really not good. But it sounds nice in Spanish. If you don't understand what it means anyways

La lluvia
El mundo está ahorgando
en las lágrimas de Diós.
Los árboles están bailando
con felicidad
por el regalo
que el cielo les da.
Todo está brillante
debajo de la grís.
Nada es mejor que
estos días de lluvia.
Nada es más bonita,
más perfecta.
Si yo pudiera,
bailaría con los árboles
por el resto del tiempo,
hasta el fin del mundo,
en la belleza
de la lluvia.

The Following

I just finished watching the season finale of the show "The Following". Needless to say, I was hooked on it from the first episode. A serial killer with an Edgar Allan Poe fetish? What's not to like?  It was amazing. So many twists and turns throughout the whole season  and even though I expected the some of the ending, it was still shocking somehow. WATCH IT. Whenever it comes out on Netflix or whatever. It's a must see. All the characters were so intriguing. I absolutely loved it. Except for the cliffhanger. Oh well. 'Till next season I suppose.

Rant

One isn't the loneliest number.
Loneliness grows exponentially
at the rate of people around.
I feel most lonely in a crowded room,
when I'm face to face
with the distance I've created
from those around me.
Acknowledged but never mentioned,
seen but never spoken.
If my pain is silent,
can you still see it?
Or does it continue within me,
unbeknownst to any bystanders
any witnesses
for the impending implosion?
We're all waves,
making our way through the sea,
waiting to be all we can be,
for our one moment to reach shore,
then retreating again into anonymity,
into obscurity,
into meaninglessness.
We can never mean anything
to anyone
if we mean nothing
to ourselves.
I need wings to fly
but mine seem to be clipped,
or maybe I was made without them equipped.
A grounded bird among the doves,
a copper coin among the gold.
Catch me, since you can.
Toss me, if you want.

"My moral compass is spinning next to the magnet that is all of my desire."

Just for the record, the last couple of posts (including this one) have kind of just come out of nowhere. That's how it works. I'll have a dry spell for what seems like forever, then just this sudden burst of ideas. So I run with them. These aren't based on my experiences, or even experiences of people I know necessarily. A line comes to mind and then I just flesh it out.

my thoughts may be hazy,
my eyes may be heavy,
and i may not remember this tomorrow,
but my desire is clear and true.
don't tell me i'm crazy.
don't tell me maybe.
don't act like you're not thinking the same.
i'm in no mood for second guessing.
impulsive decisions are my specialty.
this is do or die,
pass or fail,
the point of no return.
so for tonight
and tonight only,
will you please be mine?

-----

My heart beats with those who still believe,
with those who never stopped.
We're manning this ship
whether we make our journey home
or sink before we make it.
You'll never take this from me,
from us.
It's an unseeable change,
an untouchable truth.
We are not like you.
We're the kids who'll never stop fighting,
who'll never let you kick us while we're down
(we have to do everything ourselves).
We may not seem the strongest
but we'd love to prove you wrong.
You are the anchor around our necks,
dragging us to the bottom.
But with this weight,
we'll still learn to fly.
Just you wait and see.
When you look at the night sky,
think of us drowning in your sea.
To me, the views look the same.

L.O.V.E.

My blood keeps pounding in my head,
it's begging me to just forget
That tonight ever happened,
That our first night ever happened.
I'm wishing it all could go away
Like footprints on the beach
Leaving with the tide,
Like the way the light
has slowly faded from your eyes.
We both said things that we regret
But we're far too gone to take them back.
I'd love to leave this all behind,
but you just won't get out of my mind.
I'm sure you're already moving on,
over me and on to another.
You've been planning
for our fated demise
for quite some time.
You were never good at dedication.
What more could I expect
from the one who broke me
before we even started?
And that was just your "calm"
before you stormed out,
once again reminding me
that love was never meant to last.
Love is forever temporary.
And temporarily, we were forever in love.

I really, really, really don't like you.

You've never been nor will you ever be my father. No matter how many times you try to be nice to me, no matter how many gifts you buy me, no matter what you say or do now, I will never consider you my parent. You were the one who ignored me through my childhood. You were the one who refused to do anything with me or even speak to me. You were the one who treated me like I wasn't your child. Now you want me to treat you like my parent? No, it doesn't work like that. In my eyes, I have only one true parent. She's the only one who's always been there for me, even if we haven't gotten along the entire time. Out of the four parental figures I have had thrust upon me, how is it that only one of them actually acts like it? I love the other two, regardless of what I think of them as parents. But you, you useless arrogant prick, I'll never love you. You're just the guy that happened to marry my mom. That doesn't make you my father. That doesn't make you my parent, or even my caregiver. That just makes you an obligatory roommate.  So the next time you wonder why I treat you the way I do, think about how you treated me while I was growing up. That'll answer your question.

Put on your war paint.

So, I apologize for the melodrama from yesterday. My MCR-blues have been replaced by FOB-joy. They released a new single and video yesterday and, although I'm very biased, I think it's amazing. This new sound is absolutely unique and I'm loving it.  Here's the link. Listen. Watch. Enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hDZbroaQDc

"Your memory will carry on."

I honestly don't even know what to do right now. Sadness is what I feel right now. My Chemical Romance, one of my favorite most inspirational bands, announced their break up on Friday and earlier today, Gerard posted a letter further confirming that they aren't coming back. It's finally sinking in. This is no joke. I understand this is melodramatic, but oh well. Music isn't just music to me. Some bands mean more to me than any person ever could, MCR being one of them. They and their music were there for me at my lowest point, when no one else was. They have been one of the only constants in my life. They have picked me up when I was down, way way down. Their music has kept me sane and inspired me, instilled hope in me. My first freakin tattoo is a quote from Gerard for goodness sake! I honestly am just so heart-broken I don't even know what to say. The difference between this and FOB's "hiatus" is that I never once doubted that FOB would come back. MCR's end is inscribed in stone. There is not going to be any miraculous return. It's over. It's really, truly over.

Rainy Day Kid

Gray by Pete Wentz
I absolutely loved it. I expected nothing less from the man who has the best way with words. There are so many lines that I've fallen in love with and have written down to keep them with me. I'll share a few, but first, know that this book is an unconventional love story. One of its subplots is that the narrator is in a band trying to make it big. But the focus is on his destructive, uncontrollable, volatile love with Her. You find yourself shaking your head and facepalming at all their decisions but sympathize because they truly love each other, even if it doesn't seem like it most of the time. Anyway, enough of that. To some of my favorite lines from the book (only a selection of the many I wrote down).
- "My moral compass is spinning next to the magnet that is all of my desire."
- "After a while, when one bounces back and forth between hearts, nothing gets old. You never really have to mean anything to anyone. My intimacy problems are with the world."
- "She's concentrating hard, focused on the stage like a shipwrecked sailor scanning the horizon for rescue. She needs to be saved because she's afraid of what will happen next... I want to let Her know that she can let go of the horizon and sink to the bottom with me."
- "They said goodbye to their dreams a long time ago, they didn't dare stand up against the current of life, and they're content. They're not the ones fantasizing about skipping cell phones off the surface of the river, or thinking about the blood pooling in their wrist, just below a thin layer of skin, just waiting to be taken up into the light."
- "...she thinks I can relate to her troubles. She doesn't know I've always been this way; that I'm just a rainy day kid and have been from the start. Or she doesn't care."
- "I never wanted to be the anchor, I never wanted to pull us down. It seems that's all I'm doing these days."

And lastly, a passage that explains the title of the song "It's Not a Side Effect of the Cocaine. I Am Thinking It Must Be Love."

"Phenylethlamine (PEA), the chemical responsible for the swooning and feelings of adoration, is structurally similar to cocaine. However, when given the chance, many people choose cocaine over love. I wouldn't say that's a bad choice. The endorphins released during infatuation are similar to heroin. OxyContin, "the cuddling hormone," most often found in new mothers and newlyweds, is like ecstasy; every touch tingles. I think I read that somewhere. Love exists in powder. Love exists in pills. We are all addicts."

In my humble opinion, the man is genius. Everything he writes is golden and sacred. To me, at least.

Personify The Problem

Can't you please just leave me be for one night? Rain check? IOU? I have things to do tomorrow and all you're doing is keeping me from the sleep I so desperately need. I've been trying to shut you out all day but for some reason, you always scream at me the loudest at night. I've done so well.... But progress isn't real until there's no threat of regression. I wish I could just fall asleep for years and wake up cured. Cured of you and all you stand for. Rid of everything that reminds me of you. You're the best/worst friend I've ever had.  Always comfort me when I'm down,  always eat me alive when I'm not. We can't keep doing this dance forever. One of us has to be eliminated and I have no intentions of it being me. Sometimes I'm the writer and you're the pen, but more often than not, it feels like it's the other way around. I want to write the end to your story instead of what you've got planned for me. Maybe in the future I'll look back on our time together and smile because it'll be a distant memory of who I once was.... Until then, may I take this dance?

Please.

Please. Don't do this to yourself. I love you, but I can't make you do what's best. I can't want happiness for you: you have to want it for yourself. Yet you keep skipping, like an old scratched up record caught on the same horrible off-key melody over and over and over again. No one enjoys it, least of all you. So why do you choose this?! You wouldn't think it was good enough for someone else so why is it good enough for you? Why're you settling for the bottom of the barrel? You're one of the best people I know. I just wish you could see yourself how I do. Please. Don't retreat to misery. Find your happiness and enjoy it. You of all people deserve it. Please. Just listen.
Please......

Shit

This week has been absolute shit. Maybe not the whole week, just the last few days. I've had enough family drama to last me a while and it's just been bringing me down. I haven't wanted to be home because that's all they can talk about. Mixed in with all of this, I've been trying to suppress my ever-present impulse to do something I shouldn't. It's always whispered at the back of mind but has been roaring at me as of late. So below is a quick thing I wrote about trying to avoid said impulse. This is me venting.

It's pretty sad that what should be a "preventer" is actually a trigger. I don't know how to separate myself from these impulses. They've become more a part of me than anything else I've ever known. They define me and have left their many unfading marks on me. How can I get rid of something that I will eternally be reminded of? How can I exterminate a part of myself?

                               __________________________________________________

Have you ever had that moment where you write a text asking for help ten times over but can never actually send it? It's one of those things that people say is easy to do, but in reality is more challenging than they'll ever know. Is the thing keeping me up at night or do I just keep reviving it? I have to keep myself this sick so you'll be able to leave. It gives you an easy excuse, an escape route, a blessing. Call me Moses because I'm parting to sea for you to find your freedom. Freedom from me. Say I'm crazy, say I'm horrible. I can't argue with you. I'm afraid that the things I hate about myself you'll soon discover. So leave before you get the chance.

Hum Hallelujah

I know this immensely late, but exactly two weeks ago Fall Out Boy announced that their hiatus is over!!! They're back together after four years and everything is once again right with the world. Their new song, while very different (which isn't saying much since all of their albums have been different from one another anyway), is absolutely fantastic and references one of their old songs.  I absolutely LOVE the old version and the new one now as well (links for both versions are below).

Old: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZN2YfD1bixM
New: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LkIWmsP3c_s

So, in celebration of this momentous event, I'm going to post 15 of my favorite FOB songs. I love basically their entire repertoire so essentially this is just a list of the ones that first popped into my mind in no particular order. Enjoy. (:

1) Sophomore Slump or Comeback of The Year {From Under The Cork Tree}: One of my favorites of theirs. I've wanted to get one of the lines tattooed forever (in italics below) and eventually will. It just talks about who they are as a band and what they stand for. "Are we growing up or just going down?/It's just a matter of time until we're all found out/Take your tears, put 'em on ice/'Cause I swear I'd burn the city down to show you the light... I've got a sunset in my veins/And I need to take a pill to make this town feel okay."

2) Of All The Gin Joints In All The World {From Under The Cork Tree}: I'm biased on this one, since it uses a quote from "Casablanca", one of my favorite movies. This song is just fantastically dirty and no one seems to realize it on their first listen. But trust me it is. "Turn off the lights and turn off the shyness/'Cause all of our moves make up for the silence." Dirty yes? Plus it's just so damn catchy.

3) Sending Postcards From a Plane Crash (Wish You Were Here) {Take This To Your Grave}: Considering that this is the number one most played song on my iPod, it's safe to say I enjoy this song. Quick fact, I'm drawn to songs that are sad and self-deprecating. Call it my inner-emo or whatever, but I am. This song plays perfectly into it as he deals with a cheating girlfriend. "I am such a sucker and I'm always the last to know/My insides are copper: I'd kill to make them gold/Conversation got me here, another night alone in the city/Make my bed the grave and shovel dirt onto my sheets."

4) It's Not a Side-Effect of the Cocaine. I Am Thinking It Must Be Love {My Heart Will Always Be the B-side to My Tongue}: From Pete Wentz's new book "Gray" (which I suggest you buy),"Phenylethylamine (PEA), the chemical responsible for the swooning and feelings of adoration, is structurally similar to cocaine." Which explains the odd title choice. It's so catchy and cute, a "we're in this together" love song. "Why can you read me like no one else?/I hide behind these words/But I'm coming out...Put your hand between an aching head and an aching world/We'll make them so jealous."

5) 20 Dollar Nose Bleed {Folie a Deux}: This song combines the amazing talents of a Mr. Patrick Stump and a Mr. Brendon Urie. They both have fantastic sets of pipes and use them perfectly on this awesome track. But then it ends with Pete's impromptu poetry slam gag that he loves so dearly. That is my favorite part word-wise. "It's not me, it's you/Actually, it's the taxidermy of you and me/Untie the balloons from around my neck and ground me/I'm just a racehorse on the track/Send me back to the glue factory."

6) Yule Shoot Your Eye Out {N/A}: My favorite Christmas song of all time! Another quick fact, I hate traditional Christmas music so I listen to songs like this. "The gifts you're receiving from me will be one awkward silence/And two hopes you cry yourself to sleep/Staying up waiting by the phone/And all I want this year is for you to dedicate/Your last breath to me before you bury yourself alive/Don't come home for Christmas/You're the last thing I want to see underneath the tree."

7) Pretty in Punk {Evening Out With Your Girlfriend}: My favorite off this album I believe. It's so cute I can't even stand it. It's a simple, timeless storyline: boy wants girl, girl stays with boyfriend who treats her like crap. "I was terrified and would you mind if I sat next to you and watched you smile?/So many kids but I only see you and I don't think you notice me/Well I've seen your boyfriend and I don't think he treats you right/But that's none of my business, is it?"

8) Tell That Mick He Just Made My List of Things To Do Today {Take This To Your Grave}: Another song that I'm biased towards... This title is (almost) a direct quote from "Rushmore", another favorite of mine. It's so angry and bitter, it's great. "Light that smoke, yeah, one for giving up on me/And one just 'cause they'll kill you sooner than my expectations..."I could have died with you"/I hope you choke on those words, that kiss, that bottle... Let's play this game called "when you catch fire"/ I wouldn't piss to put you out."

9) I've Got a Dark Alley And a Bad Idea That Says You Should Shut Your Mouth (Summer Song) {From Under The Cork Tree}: This is their most "emo" song, which of course means I am in love with it. "We're the kids who feel like dead ends/And I want to be known for my hits not just my misses/I took a shot and didn't even come close/At trust and love and hope... We can fake it for the airwaves/Force our smiles, baby, half-dead/From comparing myself to everyone else around me."

10) Disloyal Order of Water Buffaloes {Folie a Deux}: Not sure why I like this one, but it's one of my favorites off of their last album. "I'm coming apart at the seams, pitching myself for leads in other people's dreams... I'm a loose bolt of a complete machine/What a match! I'm half-doomed and you're semi-sweet/So boycott love, detox just to retox/And I'd promise you anything for another shot at life/And perfect boys with their perfect lives/Nobody wants to hear you sing about tragedy."

11) Thriller {Infinity on High}: This one was really a song written for the fans. It's all about the band not caring what the critics or media say, that they do this for the music. They also thank the die-hard fans who support them no matter what. "The only thing I haven't done yet is die/And it's me and my plus at the afterlife/Crowds are won and lost and won again/But our hearts beat for the die-hearts/So long live the car-crash hearts."

12) 7-9 Legendary (Blink and You'll Miss It) {N/A}: This song is so upbeat and peppy, it's hard not to be won over by it. "I want to choke, get sick off you like second-hand smoke/You've got me sweating like Calcutta nights/It's just heat and epiphany."

13) The World's Not Waiting (For Five Tired Boys and a Broken Down Van) {Evening Out With Your Girlfriend}: This is a typical song about life as a teenager. It's all about feeling like you're stuck where you are in life and the only relief you get is by hanging out with your friends. "We're all has-been's and never-were's... We've been down. We've been out/We've been hanging around/Tip our glasses to no direction/Start the van, get me out of this one horse town/Waste this night."

14) It's Hard to Say "I Do" When I Don't {B-side of Infinity on High}: This song pretty much describes my view on marriage/relationships in one of the lines. So it's golden. "Now and again I think "his and her's", "For better or worse"/But the only ring I want buried with me are the ones around my eyes/You're appealing to emotions that I simply do not have."

15) Sugar, We're Going Down {From Under The Cork Tree}: No Fall Out Boy list of any sort would be complete without this song. It's the one that started their rise to fame and the one that got most people to pay attention. It's a love song, and one of the most touching in my opinion. It's all about him finding out his girlfriend is cheating on him and that even though they're relationship may be ending and he's pissed at her, he still loves her and is willing to fight for her. "I'm just a notch in your bedpost but you're just a line in a song/Drop a heart, break a name/We're always sleeping in, and sleeping for the wrong team/We're going down, down in an earlier round/And sugar we're going down swinging/I'll be your number one with a bullet/A loaded God complex, cock it and pull it."

As I said, I love 99.999999% of Fall Out Boy's songs and suggest that all of them be listened to at least once. Just because it didn't show up here, doesn't mean it's not every bit as amazingly fantastic as the ones on here are.I will forever be a Lake-Effect/Rainy-Day Kid. Long live the car crash hearts because believers never die.

Sexism (Not Really)

Recently, I was trying to find the male equivalent to "spinster" but found that there isn't one. The closest word is "bachelor", which is in no way close to "spinster". Both words have the same basic definition: one who is unmarried and who seems too old to likely ever be married. But spinster is seen as negative (i.e. crazy old cat lady) whereas a bachelor is desirable (i.e. George Clooney). This upset me because, as me and my friend decided, I will be a male spinster when I get older (since there is no word to use for this). I guess I'll just have to settle for curmudgeon.

Channeling My Inner-Wentz (more like writing under major sleep deprivation)

sometimes it's all i can do to force my eyes to open. others i can't seem to make them close. my moods are fragmented. switching from one. moment. to. the. next. i can never tell which me i'll be on any given day. "when one door closes, another one opens" but i don't think this is quite what they mean. ride the waves, each one's different from the next, like individual fingerprints being left on the shore. society doesn't test who can be the most unique, it's how many they can make the same. sheep are sheep and that's all they'll ever be. although circumstances and life change, people are stuck the way they are. they are statues that withstand the world around them until they are eventually torn down by time. if i stumbled upon the way to attain immortality, believe me, i'd quickly run the other way. there's no amount to be paid to have me live this over and over again. besides, the man down-under keeps sending me vacation postcards that look oh so inviting. the thing about spilling your thoughts is that you're never too sure which ones people will pick up on, which ones escape by accident and slip through your cerebral fingers. it's a gamble. especially when there's monsters being locked inside that no one wants to let free. temptation is the root of all evil, the instigator, the friend that always gets you into trouble. one moment of desire followed by bliss, quickly swallowed by guilt and consequences. this has no point and maybe it makes no sense, but i mean every word of it. truth comes sliding out when your mind is at its most blank, its most empty. inside me, there isn't a single creative bone to be found. art and literature are beautiful which is exactly why i can't create them. all i can make are these hideously typed ramblings formed out of jumbled up words and sentences. they're not pretty, but they're all i have.