Shit

This week has been absolute shit. Maybe not the whole week, just the last few days. I've had enough family drama to last me a while and it's just been bringing me down. I haven't wanted to be home because that's all they can talk about. Mixed in with all of this, I've been trying to suppress my ever-present impulse to do something I shouldn't. It's always whispered at the back of mind but has been roaring at me as of late. So below is a quick thing I wrote about trying to avoid said impulse. This is me venting.

It's pretty sad that what should be a "preventer" is actually a trigger. I don't know how to separate myself from these impulses. They've become more a part of me than anything else I've ever known. They define me and have left their many unfading marks on me. How can I get rid of something that I will eternally be reminded of? How can I exterminate a part of myself?

                               __________________________________________________

Have you ever had that moment where you write a text asking for help ten times over but can never actually send it? It's one of those things that people say is easy to do, but in reality is more challenging than they'll ever know. Is the thing keeping me up at night or do I just keep reviving it? I have to keep myself this sick so you'll be able to leave. It gives you an easy excuse, an escape route, a blessing. Call me Moses because I'm parting to sea for you to find your freedom. Freedom from me. Say I'm crazy, say I'm horrible. I can't argue with you. I'm afraid that the things I hate about myself you'll soon discover. So leave before you get the chance.