Put on your war paint.

So, I apologize for the melodrama from yesterday. My MCR-blues have been replaced by FOB-joy. They released a new single and video yesterday and, although I'm very biased, I think it's amazing. This new sound is absolutely unique and I'm loving it.  Here's the link. Listen. Watch. Enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hDZbroaQDc

"Your memory will carry on."

I honestly don't even know what to do right now. Sadness is what I feel right now. My Chemical Romance, one of my favorite most inspirational bands, announced their break up on Friday and earlier today, Gerard posted a letter further confirming that they aren't coming back. It's finally sinking in. This is no joke. I understand this is melodramatic, but oh well. Music isn't just music to me. Some bands mean more to me than any person ever could, MCR being one of them. They and their music were there for me at my lowest point, when no one else was. They have been one of the only constants in my life. They have picked me up when I was down, way way down. Their music has kept me sane and inspired me, instilled hope in me. My first freakin tattoo is a quote from Gerard for goodness sake! I honestly am just so heart-broken I don't even know what to say. The difference between this and FOB's "hiatus" is that I never once doubted that FOB would come back. MCR's end is inscribed in stone. There is not going to be any miraculous return. It's over. It's really, truly over.

Rainy Day Kid

Gray by Pete Wentz
I absolutely loved it. I expected nothing less from the man who has the best way with words. There are so many lines that I've fallen in love with and have written down to keep them with me. I'll share a few, but first, know that this book is an unconventional love story. One of its subplots is that the narrator is in a band trying to make it big. But the focus is on his destructive, uncontrollable, volatile love with Her. You find yourself shaking your head and facepalming at all their decisions but sympathize because they truly love each other, even if it doesn't seem like it most of the time. Anyway, enough of that. To some of my favorite lines from the book (only a selection of the many I wrote down).
- "My moral compass is spinning next to the magnet that is all of my desire."
- "After a while, when one bounces back and forth between hearts, nothing gets old. You never really have to mean anything to anyone. My intimacy problems are with the world."
- "She's concentrating hard, focused on the stage like a shipwrecked sailor scanning the horizon for rescue. She needs to be saved because she's afraid of what will happen next... I want to let Her know that she can let go of the horizon and sink to the bottom with me."
- "They said goodbye to their dreams a long time ago, they didn't dare stand up against the current of life, and they're content. They're not the ones fantasizing about skipping cell phones off the surface of the river, or thinking about the blood pooling in their wrist, just below a thin layer of skin, just waiting to be taken up into the light."
- "...she thinks I can relate to her troubles. She doesn't know I've always been this way; that I'm just a rainy day kid and have been from the start. Or she doesn't care."
- "I never wanted to be the anchor, I never wanted to pull us down. It seems that's all I'm doing these days."

And lastly, a passage that explains the title of the song "It's Not a Side Effect of the Cocaine. I Am Thinking It Must Be Love."

"Phenylethlamine (PEA), the chemical responsible for the swooning and feelings of adoration, is structurally similar to cocaine. However, when given the chance, many people choose cocaine over love. I wouldn't say that's a bad choice. The endorphins released during infatuation are similar to heroin. OxyContin, "the cuddling hormone," most often found in new mothers and newlyweds, is like ecstasy; every touch tingles. I think I read that somewhere. Love exists in powder. Love exists in pills. We are all addicts."

In my humble opinion, the man is genius. Everything he writes is golden and sacred. To me, at least.

Personify The Problem

Can't you please just leave me be for one night? Rain check? IOU? I have things to do tomorrow and all you're doing is keeping me from the sleep I so desperately need. I've been trying to shut you out all day but for some reason, you always scream at me the loudest at night. I've done so well.... But progress isn't real until there's no threat of regression. I wish I could just fall asleep for years and wake up cured. Cured of you and all you stand for. Rid of everything that reminds me of you. You're the best/worst friend I've ever had.  Always comfort me when I'm down,  always eat me alive when I'm not. We can't keep doing this dance forever. One of us has to be eliminated and I have no intentions of it being me. Sometimes I'm the writer and you're the pen, but more often than not, it feels like it's the other way around. I want to write the end to your story instead of what you've got planned for me. Maybe in the future I'll look back on our time together and smile because it'll be a distant memory of who I once was.... Until then, may I take this dance?

Please.

Please. Don't do this to yourself. I love you, but I can't make you do what's best. I can't want happiness for you: you have to want it for yourself. Yet you keep skipping, like an old scratched up record caught on the same horrible off-key melody over and over and over again. No one enjoys it, least of all you. So why do you choose this?! You wouldn't think it was good enough for someone else so why is it good enough for you? Why're you settling for the bottom of the barrel? You're one of the best people I know. I just wish you could see yourself how I do. Please. Don't retreat to misery. Find your happiness and enjoy it. You of all people deserve it. Please. Just listen.
Please......

Shit

This week has been absolute shit. Maybe not the whole week, just the last few days. I've had enough family drama to last me a while and it's just been bringing me down. I haven't wanted to be home because that's all they can talk about. Mixed in with all of this, I've been trying to suppress my ever-present impulse to do something I shouldn't. It's always whispered at the back of mind but has been roaring at me as of late. So below is a quick thing I wrote about trying to avoid said impulse. This is me venting.

It's pretty sad that what should be a "preventer" is actually a trigger. I don't know how to separate myself from these impulses. They've become more a part of me than anything else I've ever known. They define me and have left their many unfading marks on me. How can I get rid of something that I will eternally be reminded of? How can I exterminate a part of myself?

                               __________________________________________________

Have you ever had that moment where you write a text asking for help ten times over but can never actually send it? It's one of those things that people say is easy to do, but in reality is more challenging than they'll ever know. Is the thing keeping me up at night or do I just keep reviving it? I have to keep myself this sick so you'll be able to leave. It gives you an easy excuse, an escape route, a blessing. Call me Moses because I'm parting to sea for you to find your freedom. Freedom from me. Say I'm crazy, say I'm horrible. I can't argue with you. I'm afraid that the things I hate about myself you'll soon discover. So leave before you get the chance.